I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night