I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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