so explain again why im purple
no
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
