I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize