Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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