Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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