our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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