i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
