I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
