i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
