So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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