Jerry, you need to find god
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How does it feel to date your dad?
You left your phone here
Wait...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
