...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
