and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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