No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
