Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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