oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
