M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
