The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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