I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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