can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
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I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
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You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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