New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
