I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
