Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
