uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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