I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
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Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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