I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
