I don't usually arrange sex via text message
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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