Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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