Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
