I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fuck me I smell like cheese