If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.