I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
