just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
home. puking in laundry basket.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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