This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
