Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
