I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
