Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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