Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
