??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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