Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
