my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I supernannyed him into submission
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Two words: nipple clamps
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