Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
