He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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