I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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