I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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