You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
