You smell like stripper and shame
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
