Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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