OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
