I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
