I'm lost and stupid without you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
