The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
