just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
