and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
