No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
